Without A Home- A Tale About Becoming Homeless At The Age Of 20
I always wondered as a kid, how someone could end up on the street with no one to turn to, to ask for a place to rest, why would they choose that situation rather than working for a roof over there head. Did they find it better to be free of the chains of society and the constant reminder in there head, that being a cog to the wheel of the system was inevitable and to break out was impossible, so rather than let it beat them they decided there own fate instead,
Then bam! I found myself laying behind a hedge bush sleeping on a piece of cardboard by the old neighborhood I grew up as a kid because it was the only place I felt ok to close my eyes and allow myself to drift off for a little bit. Not a cent to my name and not a soul to hear my complaints. This was the second time I found myself in this situation. Homeless without really anything except the clothes on my back and a ACU bag to keep things in.
Not due to drugs, alcohol or running from the law, but due to some very rash and horrible decisions. You would think I was psychological malfunctioned or have a couple screws loose, and to deny thag would be ignoring the countless chaotic situations I found myself in while trying to fight myself back to place I could be ok in.
First time I became homeless was due to a bunch of cascading events happening causing me to become mentally overwhelmed and loosing all sense of what to do and I just gave up. I lost sight on anything positive in my life and I threw in the towel. Here's what led to that.
I grew up in a medium sized city in the central of California called Fresno. My family and I moved to Fresno when I was 8 and I lived there for much of the rest of my teens. I had Two younger sisters at this time that I grew up with and loved very dearly.
I went to Central High School and played sports for much of my youth. Football was what i was good at and I became fixated upon it. My father had played when he was a kid and had always told me how he wished he had the chance to play more but his Dad didn't care about it much. I was pretty good. I played both sides of the ball and was always on the field during games. I mostly played Defensive end but would move around to different positions when needed. Football was my savior and kept me from getting into a lot of trouble I otherwise would of got into of I didn't have something to focus out my anger and frustration with life and having my older sister being into gangs and drugs..
I had a coach step up in the 8th grade that saw the path i was heading on with violence and gangs. I had got expelled from school for threatening another student and had broke a bus window in the process of the altercation. He took me aside and explained to me what that path led to and how it was nothing but trouble. I will never forget that conversation with Coach Chris. I played every year after this and always thought of that moment whenever things got bad.
My senior year of Highschool went pretty well and I was in line to get some scholarships but they fell through and I was lost and down, I then made a really bad decision on graduation night and got in trouble with the law. A real real dumb choice. I'm not even sure why I did it. See I grew up with an older sister that was really bad into gangs/drugs. I would always try and be cool and looked up to her and she would have me steal things from the store all the time, I wouldn't think twice about it,
100's of dollars of makeup and jewerly. So when my Dad had gave me 10$ to take to grad night or get a disposable camera, I walked into the store and tried just walking out. I got in line at the store to buy it but saw there where 6 people in line and we where in a hurry, so I just said F it and walked out, next thing I know, I'm being chased by a security guard to my friends car. I get in and try telling my friend to go, but the security guard was already there and my friend didn't understand what was going on. The security guard pulls me out the car and pulls me to the ground and then the manager comes out yelling at me calling me a theif, stepping on my head. I got held up by them to wait for the cops to come, so not only did I end up getting a ticket, but I missed graduation night at Disneyland with all of my friends and decided to go out with the ones that didn't go and we went salsa dancing. Ya gotta make the best out the worse, right?
Now see my mom was great to me and was in the picture until I turned 12. Her and my dad really never got a long great and my dad was very abusive twords her and me and my 2 little sisters. So when my mom came home to my dad choking out my sister she was done and took my 2 little sisters and left. She tried to take me with her but my Dad had her sign a paper stating that he would get custody of me if they ever divorced again, this being the 2nd time they where married.
So my mom had no choice and but to leave me.
I would see my mom here and there periodically for a year and then she moved with my two sisters to AZ. I would go and visit her one time by plane. While visiting I would end up burning a gas station bathroom down by accident, lighting the toilet paper dispenser on fire and then putting it out, or so I thought and when my dad found this out, he never let me go back. I would find out later on in life my mom would come to every one of my footballs games. She would drive all night to see me play and then go all the way back. I never saw her, but there was one game I thought insaw her and my sisters standing on the sidelines cheering for me. Come to find out, it was them.
So I was now left with my dad and older sister who was far from a great role model to learn how to grow up from.
She would do drugs in front of me, ask me to them all the time, she would have dudes over after school because my dad didn't get home til 7 usually. So from 3 to 6 it was chaos at the house. The dudes would mess with me all the time and try and punk me, tell me to do things I'd never do and so on. Some of em where cool and would chill with me and speak sense into me, but a majority of them where just low down thugs. Bulldogs,bloods usually. Sometimes GDs but mostly red. Because of this I would navigate twords blue and had many associates/friends throughout the years that where either crips or affiliated somehow or another. This would cause me and my sister to distance even more. We truly never got along once I started steering correct and trying to make something of myself with football.
Sports page with some stats
Playing football was supposed to be a way for me to go to college because my dad couldn't afford it, so in the Army National Guard I went as an Aviation mechanic. I went to Ft. Jackson for basic,Ft Eustis for my a.i.t. and was station back in Fresno while I went to school full time at Fresno State and was in R.O.T.C. I would do drills 2 times a month at the local NG base. I also had to have a full time job as the Army didn't pay for anything housing related so to say it was a difficult was understating it.
I ended up getting an apt. across from the college on Recreation Lane and had reunited with a gf I had in High school. Things where going ok, not great, but we had it under control, or so I thought.
I had started smoking weed at a young age, my first time being 10. I loved it, I never felt calm or quit ok unless i was, as a kid into my teens I didn't do it so much, here and there, on the weekends when I could get some from my older sister, never during football season as it would slow me down and make me less driven to practice and play harder. Then after football failed and I knew inwas going into the Army I had a whole last senior semester to essentially party.
It was the first time I really let go and stopped working out,eating right, not smoking cigarettes since I really started playing football in the 6th grade. I had felt like I finally had freedom. Nothing hanging over me to keep me balanced. I had been working so hard to achieve the dream of playing to go to school that when it didn't happen, I didn't know how to take it so instead of facing it and coming up with a plan, I faded myself out and just went with the flow.
Then there was the dynamic of being a failure to the family, not being a success in my dream of being a football player and letting my dad down. He sacrificed so much and worked so hard to get me to the point to even be able to have the opportunity to have the chance to play and I just didn't come thru, I couldn't look at myself little alone him, so many fights, so many arguments and fist fights. I don't blame him though, I can only imagine how gurt he was and how sad he felt for me not getting there. Due to this though, we never got along after this. Graduation night of walking the stage to get my diploma, I didn't see him or my family, my uncle,aunt,grandparents, but they where there, this really hit me, made me feel like they didn't want to come, so I decided to go out my friends that night after I didn't see them. I went home and my dad said I needed to stay because everyone was coming to celebrate with me but I had told him I had plans, I left heated, not thinking, this really hurt everyone that had came to see me. This again caused me huge mental stress and I didn't know how to respond.
I would go out and party with my with my friends Ian,Ryo,Ivan and Ron,Josh, Josh and Brandon. until the next morning, go to sleep for 6 hours and then wake up and go out and do it again.
These guys where quit the bunch. I knew them throughout the years in highschool and we would chat sometimes but nothing much before my senior year, and then I became one of them. One day I saw Ian after school in his crx and I went up to him and ask em what they where up to and then it was hanging with then everyday after that. Ryo had a 200sx modified slightly and it was the perfect crowd for me to chill with. With Ron,Ian and Ivan being Phillopino,Josh and Brandon being half black and Japanese and brothers,Josh being the older brother, the other Josh being Mexican and me being white, it was the perfect blend to go out and have some fun with.
We went to so many house parties/sideshows/clubs as underage kids but we I knew all the older kids from football so we got into anything even underage. We would smoke blunts everywhere and drink so so much, pop thizz and just have a blast, going from this party, to the hookah lounge, to this club.
My dad's rule was to be home before 10 pm and if not,, don't come home til the next morning so some nights we would stay at this internet Cafe called PCX. One because you could pay 3 dollars to play a Pc for an hour and because my friends knew the owners family and the son would let us chill and pass out on the couches until he opened the shop the next morning, we would sleep at parks in the cars,we would go to frat parties and be the life of the party and leave with crowds hitting up hotels to keep the parties going.
Crazy nights. So many until I left for Parump to stay with my grandparents for the summer and build a house with them and earn money to pay off my fines for stealing the camera before I went to basic. See I initially was supposed to leave for basic after I graduated in June but when I stole the camera it delayed me until I resolved the fines so this is why I went and stayed with my grandparents, because my Dad said he was done with me and he and my step mom had moved to Montana as soon as I graduated.
So going into the army i went cold turnkey, no smoking weed, I went to drinking whenever we had leave.My A.I.T. was 8 months long and I would party with fellow soldiers all weekend going to this club and that club and when I went back home to Fresno I would party with all my friends that where still there and would spend my whole checks on hotels and alcohol, rental cars and flights back and forth. So much wasted money.
I always would catchyself wanting tk smoke green though, my boys would offer and I would say na, that is until i
got back and was in R.O.T.C. and in School. I honestly wish I would of just went Active instead of National guard, and there where a couple time I asked my retention Sgt. If it was possible but he would tell me that it was nearly impossible and to get it out of my head.
Thinking back, idk what actually caused me to say fuck it and light a joint up, i recall hanging with a friend I had met at my job at Target that went to school with me and he was a big pothead. I had bought a 240sx with my bonus when I got back and he said he liked it and wanted to get a ride home from me and chill, so we did. He smoked and offered me, I said no at first but then something in me said ah, just smoke one, you'll be good. And then it was on. Back to smoking 24/7. No going back. I got careless and started throwing parties at my apartment. I started hanging with all my old friends and now all the cats in the apartments I lived in. I started slacking in my school work.
Random drug test. This is when it hit hard. I pop dirty. I get called into the C.O. office and they tell me I have popped dirty on the random drug test and I can either get out with a dishonorable discharge or I can go to rehab or 6 months. I choose rehab of course and start doing it. I'm still smoking of course and they keep testing me but I've found detox teas you can drink that clean out your system and keep passing.
3 months passes and me and my girl friend are on fringes due to all of this. She says I am not living up to the man I am supposed to be and is cheating on me, she leaves me. This hurt more than anything. I truly loved this chic. We met freshman year of highschool and I would hang out at her house all the time, whenever me and my dad would fight I would go over there, through out my highschool years.It felt like my safe place. Her dad was some sort of computer coder or engineer and they had multiple computers so I would go over and download music and play sugarcoat for hours on end with her.
We would date a couple times in highschool but I always broke it off, to be honest I was scared of getting too close. Whenever we where friends she would be dating this guy named Anthony and we would be messing around, and whenever me and her where together her and him would be doing the same, it was weird no doubt, and he would come in to play in the story when I was living in Fresno in 2017
I get called into the C.O. office again and they tell me the rehab I've been going to isn't certified by The National Gaurd even though it the one they sent me to,, and I am being discharged. Thank you for my service. Good bye.
I loose it. I break down. What have I done. How could I be so dumb. Why would I smoke again after all that time and effort and torture I went through.
I end up loosing my job at Target. I can't pay rent now , I move my weed dealer in,
A Chinese dude from OC i had met at the frat house I would go party at and he sold the good stuff by the pound. This goes ok for 5 months. This is when I meet a fellow musician named Brandon and we become chill and he sleeps on my couch from time to time. We would make beats and songs from time to time but nothing major but idk why I didn't continue. Those where some very fun times. So many beats and tracks made on that computer.
A track I do have out from that period of time is on soundclick
So We have a party and invite some of the homies. One of em invites this thizz(extacy) dealer. Real shady type of cat. Dude lays out all the pills he has and tells everyone to pick one and everyone does and hands em their cash,he gathers the rest and then says 2 are missing. This starts a fight but it calms down and he ends up leaving. 2 days later he comes through to buy some weed, fishy I thought after he's going to say someone stole some pills,he and this other guys run out with a whole jar of weed,the dealer throws me a .38 and says go get em, I throw the piece back and tell him, you go get em but end up chasing em,
I catch up to them around the corner and right when I'm going to grab dude with the jar, a car pulls up and hits me in the ass and I go flying, they jump in the car and take off. I go back and now my dealer is asking me if I staged the whole thing, you can't be serious, I kick him out.
This is when I loose my apartment and everything in it. Couldn't find no one else to help pay rent, I had people sleeping on the couch, B. Free, E money, Big Spitz, but of course they didn't chip in when it came down to it. Damn I forgot about that, They just left, left me stranded.
Everything I had was gone,My highschool trophies, my pictures and memorabilia, my pc, I hadn't been keeping up with anything in school so now I'm kicked out.
Bam. Homeless.
I stay downstairs with my neighbors for 3 months and tried to do the best I could to stay out of the way, I had befriended a female that lived there and it ended up that they where really big meth heads.
Before this time I had no idea, I guess I was too busy partying and stressing to pay attention. It's was chaotic to say the least, arguments every night, Heroine and pills would be in the mix and at this time I was willing to try any pill to try and ease the pain and suffering I was going through. Pain pills, valumes, when I couldn't get weed. The chick I was staying with gave me a saroquel and it made me trip hard. It felt like everything went slow and I don't recall anything after that until I woke up 2 days later.
The chick said I had talk to the police and got.myself out of whatever it was I had gotten into. I vaguely remembering meeting up with a chick and that's about it.
There was a period where we ended up getting into it with some neighbors across the little court we lived in, in the apartments. They where gang members and the people I was staying with had been in prison and where freshly out and still had shaved heads. I guess thus offended the dudes and they started a fight with us out of no where. All I know was, I was rolling a joint and the next thing u know two of those dudes where fighting two of the people I was stating with. One of the dudes went and got a gun and at this point I told all the kids and everyone to get inside and stay down, they shot 5 times at the apartment and dipped off, we never seen them from thag day on. Come to find out one of the dudes was the same guy who shot up 3 white people in downtown Fresno in 2017.
I would get in touch with my friend Ivan from highschool and he tried letting me sleep in his car in his garage, but his mom would come out in the middle of the night and find me, she wasn't mad or anything, she didn't like it, he would talk to his grandma and I would stay with her for a month. Such a nice lady.
I would couch hop for a bit afyer this with a cousin and other friends and that only works so long before I found myself sleeping on the street, anywhere I could, behind buildings, in parks, under friends beds because there grandma doesn't allow anyone there, on roofs so that random strangers can't come up on me, stadiums to find an outlet to charge my phone for some type of entertainment. Sometimes park bathrooms would be left open and I would sleep in there.
I would meet up with chics off dating sites and get them to give me money for sleeping with em, to get a night in a bed, A shower. So many cold nights just trying to stay warm, not a bite to eat for days, no will or motivation to try and work. I felt so low. I didn't know what to do, who to turn to.
I did this for 3 months. Until I broke down and called my Dad and moved up to Montana with him for 6 months and oh how did that turn south. I couldn't get myself right. From being a failure but also from not knowing what inwas going to do or be. No goals, no aspirations just living. But not living really, just existing. Doing the least expecting the most. A burden. I would work a couple jobs in Montana, A gas station, A movie theater,chili's, but would end up messing then up and have to struggle just to live. My Dad and step mom where letting me stay with them and made me pay rent and this made it difficult to try and get my own place. I wasn't making much each week and paying them and food was basically taking what I was making. Me and my Dad ended up getting into a huge argument. I mentioned how he was abusive to my mom and me as a kid and he exploded and put his hands around my neck, I broke his hold and went to punch him and held back. I started tk walk away and he flipped out. I started running down the street so he jumped in his truck and started chasing me. I end up ducking behind a car and he passes. I go for a park and try and hide in it but he sees me and persists in to driving on the grass to get to me and does 3 donuts before almost hitting me. I say whatever get in the truck, go back and pack my stuff and leave. I go back to Fresno and end up serving in the streets again for 2 months. I finally get ahold of my mom and explain the situation and she has me call my little sister and I end up moving to AZ with her. I stayed with her for 8 months and this is when I end up meeting my ex wife and the mother of my great son Destin.
I would end up homeless again 3 times after this. That is a whole another story in itself.
If ya get a chance
Check out thisnremix I did of
Where Is Everybody by Nine Inch Nails on YouTube
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